The Fleecing of the Earthlings

  It actually started a few months ago. I was having a really bad back day and as a result, was stuck in bed with nothing but the TV to keep me company for days. I came across a commercial. One of those really long ones that for some reason, they always play twice in a row. It was some kind of especially magic weight loss pill. It was especially magic because not only does it make you lose weight, but the fat disappears too (probably comes out with the oily stool, but that's for a different blog...).

  Now listen here, I would gladly stay 200-something pounds if it meant that I could once again jam my butt in those 34X36 501s in the bottom of the pile in the bottom drawer. Meaning, DUH! Generally, losing weight means shrinking your fat ass, which means burning fat. Seriously, DUH!!! THAT is the especially magic selling point? Now that I think about it, anyone dumb enough to think that a pill is a good alternative to exercising and putting the cookies and Diet Pepsi down once in a while would probably go for this...

  Then, the other day I was cruising Pinterest and came across something that I am ashamed to admit that I clicked on...the reusable paper towels. Good for the environment, good for the pocketbook (who even says that anymore?), and you can even make them yourself!!! WOW!!! I actually wish I had come up with this idea, because, well, DUH again. PAPER towels are the paper version of TOWELS. Therefore, the reusable version of PAPER towels would be TOWELS. Seriously, I am no scientist, but this is just simple science. And common sense...

  Now today, while I am catching up on The Voice and figuring out what to do with all this extra furniture that's in the middle of every room for some reason, a commercial comes on that just takes the cake. It's a snap on keyboard for your IPad/Kindle/whatever tablet thing that everyone has to have because they don't want to have to open and close a lap top (I guess). So basically, a desk top was too big and not mobile, so we had to get lap tops. Then the lap top became too big and bulky and heavy and I don't know what else, so we had to get these tablet things. Now, I don't have one, so I don't really know, maybe they do awesome magical stuff, but the tablet doesn't have a keyboard that you can fold to close (like a what?? A freaking lap top). So now we have to buy something ELSE to make the thing we bought because the OTHER thing was too bulky....wait for it...JUST LIKE THE DAMNED BULKY THING. I feel like The Doctor when I try to wrap my mind around this (I am pretty sure I had THAT look on my face, too):

  It seems to me that we are getting stupider and stupider as a race (the Human race). Yet another example: The IPhone 562 or whatever number they are on now...seems like they should have gotten all the kinks out...seems like they shouldn't have to get a new and way improved model out, what? Twice a year? I want my shit to last for more than 6 months, thanks, especially if I have to wait in line for a month and a half to get the shit, and it costs 8,000 freaking dollars!! Shoot, even XBox and Play Station have laid off a bit, their stuff has lasted for a few years, thank goodness!! What the H people!?!?! Do we have to fall for EVERYTHING??? Do we have to buy EVERY new thing? Well yes, I guess we do, or the rest of us wouldn't be subjected to all the lame ads everywhere.

  And in that case, I have a bridge to Hawaii I'd like to sell you...

 

This Turned into a Post About RobLissa...

  I haven't been writing very much lately, and I should. It's just that every time something strikes me enough to write about it, it's been something that pisses me off and I can't manage to write about it without a lot of cuss words. Like that jerk that rode my bumper on the way home the other day. Or when I saw a supposed family member's kids the other day and couldn't say hi because they don't know who I am (the awesomest part is that I wouldn't have known who they were either if they hadn't been with their lovely and delightful mother). Or when my dog pooped on the carpet for the 80,657,392nd time because she refuses to crap on anything that is not my carpet and I now have to decide if I want to live with poop in my living room, or a ninja pooper that has to be locked up every second of every day because if you even blink for too long, she will run out and decorate the damned floor. Or the fact that if I don't talk to someone for a while, one of their first questions is, "How are you and Rob?" Or, "Are you and Rob still together?" Yes, Rob and I are still together, why? Are you expecting something else? Hoping for something else? Well too damned bad, because we get along a lot better than people seem to think.

  I guess I just figured out the subject for this particular entry, because that last thing gets me all fired up. Guess what? Rob is one of the only people that has my back, no matter what, even if I am being an asshole. I know it may come as a shock to most that I can even BE assholey at times, but alas, tis true. He has also got my back even if HE is being an asshole. Sure, we have gone through some difficult times, but so what?? 95% of the world isn't any more or any less disfunctional than we can be...when we are done talking about this, let's talk about all y'alls relationships, shall we?

  Yes, he lives next door now. And ya know what? It's awesome for the both of us. He likes to have people over, like every week, I don't. He likes to leave the toilet seat up, I prefer to have the seat and lid down. He likes to leave the porch light on at night, I don't like to make it easy for people to see well enough to steal my flowers, or the pink toilet that is STILL on my little front porch, and on that note, I am pretty sure he likes his front porch to be free of pink toilets. He prefers to have poop-free floors, I do not have that option...and if he didn't live next door, we would most likely have to rent that place out, and it's too close for me to be comfortable with that anyway...

  Sure, we sometimes holler, and get irritated with each other, but have you spent any length of time with either one of us? To say we have strong personalities would be putting it mildly. And the irritation is mostly because he is stubborn and has a low tolerance for awesome (see what I did there?)...no, it's mostly because I am high strung, anxious, bossy, and have hermit-esque tendencies, while he is animated, but more laid back (which is odd, we both admit), also bossy, and is waaaaaaaay more social. Bossy and bossy don't mix well every second of every day, but we each accept the other the way that we are. I know he sometimes wishes that I would get out of the house more, and talk about what bothers me, rather than expect him to guess (if he really loved me, he could read my mind, right? LOL), and sometimes I wish he would just hush, but when that happens, he can wander the 25 feet over to his house. And let's not forget that whatever anyone thinks our relationship, if you have lived with me for any length of time, you know how I can get...for the rest of you, I get in the mode of needing to be left alone so bad that if you are breathing in the same building as me it bothers the holy horsefeathers out of me and I get resentful and feel all invaded and secretly want to poke your eyes out and stuff...oh, did ya think I didn't know that about myself? It happens a few times a year, so it's not really like my werewolf time, but I am probably as delightful to be around as a werewolf if I am not left alone...

  Seriously, it has been almost 4 years, a record breaker for me...I have done things because of him that I have never done before, like spend the day on Haight Street cruising the shops and getting barf splashed on by a city hobo, and fly to Texas just because. If he wasn't there supporting my weird ass, I wouldn't have had the courage to do that by myself.

  So don't mind us, if you see me standing there rolling my eyes at him because I asked him what time it was and he told me how to build a watch, you can bet your sweet arse that he will be doing the same thing later when I am bitching and complaining until I am red in the face because some doofus was rude to me (or whatever)...