I Have Big Dreams and Plans

  Ever felt like a bump on the couch? Like that you were mostly on this Earth to keep the couch company and maybe dust some stuff off and wash some other stuff once in a while? I did for a while, but as I get out and about more, I am realizing that I have big dreams and plans. Like BIG.

  I live in Northern California, land of the Starbucks and the "smoke" shop. I am actually sitting at a Starbucks right now. In SEBASTOPOL even. Next to a smoke shop. I am breaking Wild West Rule #1 and sitting with my back to the door (so I don't get too horribly distracted). Although the ladies sitting over there talking about who has died lately is sort of interesting. Mostly because I haven't recognized any of the names.

  ANYway, back to the dreams and plans. First on the agenda: I want to go to CHP school and get my lights and siren for my vehicle, my tazer, and most of all, MY TICKET BOOK. Then I am going to sit outside El Molino High School and give really expensive tickets to all those idiots that drive around like they are the only vehicle in the world even though it is dropping-off-at-school time. Guess who would get the most tickets? You probably think I want to ticket the holy horsefeathers out of those teen aged drivers, but you would be wrong. It's their parents, or whoever drops them off that need some freaking tickets!! Then I would start a campaign. I am not sure of the title, but it would be something like, "If you insist on driving like the King or Queen of Douchebagistan, don't do it in a tiny little car!" My poor truck almost got a Prius stuck in it's grill this morning, and it's embarrassing to drive around like that all day...

  Then I think I want to buy a "smoke shop" and call it what it really is. The name would be, "Paraphernalia Shop That Sells Some Cigarettes." (Hey dude, just because you are sitting in the corner doesn't mean I can't see you picking your nose...oh wait, eyes back to the screen, Melissa!) Smoke Shop...whatever hippies. That's kind of like the Garden Supply Store...

  Well shoot, the ladies next to me are talking about their now dead dogs having seizures, and ripped the Kleenex that was my Big Dreams and Plans right out of my head. But that's OK, because I can really do a lot with this list...and the ladies are now talking about gorillas, so I have to go...